...and more about this phat phace...
I briefly mentioned The Truffle Shuffle the other day, but I wanted to expound further.
I had a blast at this race. I love doing stuff with my family and being able to run with my brother and dad made the day perfect. I will not be able to run for long with my brother because once he's back to his normal running speed, I shall be left in the dust, so this was nice for me to be able to run along side him.
When my mom sent me this picture I immediately thought, "oh, that is really too bad that my face is that fat. Now I don't have a picture to remember this day by" (or to put with my race report). Then I thought, "well, at least my face is in proportion to my body"...well, THAT didn't help. Then I thought "I'll go on a diet". Then I calmed down.
I'll be 43 on Monday. I'm 5'8" tall. In my adult life I've weighed 118 pounds and I've weighed 188 pounds (higher than my pregnancy weights!). At 118 I didn't like my body. At 188 I definitely didn't like my body. But the point is, no matter what I have weighed, I've never been satisfied... and dieting to reach a certain satisfaction with my body is obviously not the solution. The solution is in being happy with everything outside of the "body"...and I know that with that, my body will naturally assume it's "perfect" place and whether that agrees with my modern view of what a perfect body is doesn't matter. I will be me and I will be happy with that.
Some time ago I started reading books like Women, Food, and God - Eat, Pray, Love - Intuitive Eating - even Monica Seles' book, Getting a Grip - because they called out to me that I can't continue this dissatisfaction with myself by dieting my life away. If I can't control myself when I'm NOT on a diet, what makes me think I can control myself when I AM on a diet? I HATE the fact that I spent so much time dieting when in all reality, I had no right to be dieting at 130 or 140 pounds or even 150 pounds. To be honest, the EPL and Getting a Grip spoke to me much more - and this is why...they didn't really mention rules. Even Intuitive Eating has some rules to rule-less eating and as my marriage counselor confirmed...I am a true REBEL. I do not want someone...even myself...telling me what to do. It backfires every time. Every time I have a thought that tells me to diet, I remind myself how well it's worked for me in the past...and then I realize a diet is not the answer.
I don't have a phat phace because I have a problem with food. I have a phat phace because I feed my soul when I am sad...or lonely...or frustrated...or angry...or misunderstood...or bored. Those are the things I need to think on...not on whether fruit has too much sugar in it or if my protein intake balances out my carbs. So my weight goes up and then it goes down and back and forth as I figure all this out, but even if it takes years, I'm ok with that, because dieting got me to 42 and very unhappy. I know that this will be a much better journey. And...
It is working. Living more in the moment, contemplating my daily situations in a different way and knowing that my phat phace is happy - even knowing that my face looks phatter the bigger I smile...ya...which do you care about? A thin face...or a big smile. I know which I would rather see...and in my heart I know that this IS the right path for me. I know that my body will regulate to IT'S God-made perfect place if I try to relate to my soul and not so much the outer shell.
So this was a LOT of non-race talk and now I'm going to give it to you! The first 3 miles of The Truffle Shuffle were really good. The last mile was where the money was at! I haven't done a lot of races - a couple marathons, a few shorter races and of course my triathlons...but the goal was always to get to the finish line, never really to race...because, well...I didn't have enough faith in myself.
WELL!!... we kicked it up at the end of this one and I have to tell you It Felt Good. It felt like barf and dizziness, but it felt ALIVE...and I want that feeling again. And I tell you what...I WILL HAVE THAT FEELING AGAIN because I've been living a life with too many self imposed barriers and that last mile freed something in me that makes my 43rd year look quite appetizing (ha!).