I briefly mentioned The Truffle Shuffle the other day, but I wanted to expound further.
I had a blast at this race. I love doing stuff with my family and being able to run with my brother and dad made the day perfect. I will not be able to run for long with my brother because once he's back to his normal running speed, I shall be left in the dust, so this was nice for me to be able to run along side him.
When my mom sent me this picture I immediately thought, "oh, that is really too bad that my face is that fat. Now I don't have a picture to remember this day by" (or to put with my race report). Then I thought, "well, at least my face is in proportion to my body"...well, THAT didn't help. Then I thought "I'll go on a diet". Then I calmed down.
I'll be 43 on Monday. I'm 5'8" tall. In my adult life I've weighed 118 pounds and I've weighed 188 pounds (higher than my pregnancy weights!). At 118 I didn't like my body. At 188 I definitely didn't like my body. But the point is, no matter what I have weighed, I've never been satisfied... and dieting to reach a certain satisfaction with my body is obviously not the solution. The solution is in being happy with everything outside of the "body"...and I know that with that, my body will naturally assume it's "perfect" place and whether that agrees with my modern view of what a perfect body is doesn't matter. I will be me and I will be happy with that.
Some time ago I started reading books like Women, Food, and God - Eat, Pray, Love - Intuitive Eating - even Monica Seles' book, Getting a Grip - because they called out to me that I can't continue this dissatisfaction with myself by dieting my life away. If I can't control myself when I'm NOT on a diet, what makes me think I can control myself when I AM on a diet? I HATE the fact that I spent so much time dieting when in all reality, I had no right to be dieting at 130 or 140 pounds or even 150 pounds. To be honest, the EPL and Getting a Grip spoke to me much more - and this is why...they didn't really mention rules. Even Intuitive Eating has some rules to rule-less eating and as my marriage counselor confirmed...I am a true REBEL. I do not want someone...even myself...telling me what to do. It backfires every time. Every time I have a thought that tells me to diet, I remind myself how well it's worked for me in the past...and then I realize a diet is not the answer.
I don't have a phat phace because I have a problem with food. I have a phat phace because I feed my soul when I am sad...or lonely...or frustrated...or angry...or misunderstood...or bored. Those are the things I need to think on...not on whether fruit has too much sugar in it or if my protein intake balances out my carbs. So my weight goes up and then it goes down and back and forth as I figure all this out, but even if it takes years, I'm ok with that, because dieting got me to 42 and very unhappy. I know that this will be a much better journey. And...
It is working. Living more in the moment, contemplating my daily situations in a different way and knowing that my phat phace is happy - even knowing that my face looks phatter the bigger I smile...ya...which do you care about? A thin face...or a big smile. I know which I would rather see...and in my heart I know that this IS the right path for me. I know that my body will regulate to IT'S God-made perfect place if I try to relate to my soul and not so much the outer shell.
So this was a LOT of non-race talk and now I'm going to give it to you! The first 3 miles of The Truffle Shuffle were really good. The last mile was where the money was at! I haven't done a lot of races - a couple marathons, a few shorter races and of course my triathlons...but the goal was always to get to the finish line, never really to race...because, well...I didn't have enough faith in myself.
WELL!!... we kicked it up at the end of this one and I have to tell you It Felt Good. It felt like barf and dizziness, but it felt ALIVE...and I want that feeling again. And I tell you what...I WILL HAVE THAT FEELING AGAIN because I've been living a life with too many self imposed barriers and that last mile freed something in me that makes my 43rd year look quite appetizing (ha!).
25 comments:
I hate the word "diet". To me, it is fraught with resistance and defeat. I think little changes over time can create big results. So, instead of diet, I prefer something like "lifestyle change". Eat mindfully and keep the body moving. Just my 2 cents.
You are RIGHT on, Chris. Eat "mindfully" and to me that means to enjoy as well...
AND KEEP THE BODY MOVING!
AMEN :-)
I love how you ended your post and talked about running fast and how good it made you feel. You go girl!
I might be a little trim, and a guy, but I can relate a bit to your feeling on weight and diet. For me, it's trying to lose that extra pound or two so I can perform better at race time, and getting frustrated if I gain a pound instead. Kinda sounds silly for me to be worrying about a pound.
What a thoughtful post. The book Eat, Pray, Love really affected me too.
Running to feel alive is the best.
Great post!
My wight had some similar numbers. though I don't think I have ever been 118- I am 5'8 too.
It's good to see your body beyond just a number.
The Truffle Shuffle is a FUN race and a weird distance. I LOVE EUPHORIA CHOCOLATES!!!! Yummmm
I love that you can run with your dad and bro. That would be a fun time. My dad reads my blog but doens't run. He likes to joke around about having to have a bear chase him, though :)
Hope you are havign a great week!
i need spellcheck
You look freaking amazing! I have to constantly tell myself that I am more than a number on the scale. Why do we do that? It's about being healthy and then our bodies will figure out what is best for us! I think your face looks perfect and young and I'd have never guess you were over 40! I loved your comment about eating from smaller plates, by the way. I've been doing that and it's a good brain trick!
Oh, and it does feel invigorating to have pushed to the point that you want to puke! Yeah!
I really liked this post because I can definitely relate to it. In fact, I took a picture of myself after my run yesterday and the first thing I noticed was how my cheeks have gotten chubbier. Yes, I have gained some off season weight, and I don't like it. But, I hate how I seem to always focus on what I don't like about my body instead of what I love about it. For this year, one of my goals is to just be comfortable with myself and accept my body. It will take a lot of work, but I think it's worth it!
(reposting here due to poor grammar)
Julie,
I really like your blog. You are so awesomely honest. Thanks for bringing that forward. As you know from my blog postings, I have visited 180 as well, on a frame that is well suited for 140. And in the end, it is about the journey. At then end of it all, none of us are going to be wondering about what we weighed or the diets. But we will remember, family, the races, smiling faces, and raising kids well.
peace,
Charlie
I love this. I would say I am lucky to have found my “happy” place (somewhat) at a fairly young age. I am not a dieter. I don’t do well with restrictions-so I have used it as a lifestyle and I try and look at food as a way to keep me healthy and strong. Don’t get me wrong-there are days (like recently) I had mcdonalds fries and binged on chocolate. but I am back to my fruits, veggies etc. I have to remind myself that If I am going to do endurance events-I have to fuel properly but also remember to indulge and live my life and enjoy it to the fullest! a happy medium I suppose.
Glad you enjoyed your race! sprinting at the end feels so good :)
2S4B - EXACTLY! Whether it is one pound or many pounds, we still somehow let it take over our power. No good!
ERG- your dad cracks me up!
Jen - you are my new BFF <3
Thanks for saying I don't look my age :D
Aimee - I love it! Move our focus around. Tilt it in another direction...
Charlie ~ "But we will remember, family, the races, smiling faces, and raising kids well." Best quote of the day!!
What an amazing post. I actually threw away my scale b/c it was causing such body-anxiety issues. Some may look at that as the cheap way out or "rationalizing" but while I know there is weight to be lost, I feel better than I ever have...even when I was 15-20 pounds lighther.
My friend and I actually had quite the discussion about this while we were running on Sunday, including the use of "good" or "bad" to define our behaviors or even objects, especially as they relate to food. I have done my best to eliminate those descriptors from my vocabulary b/c in the end, it's moderating and finding healthy balance. Easier said than done but a little more bearable when done under my own parameters!
so glad you had a blast at the race!!!
Thanks for this post - it was so awesome and honest. I have lived my whole life thinking I was fat - even when I was in high school and only 115 pounds. I feel like I have been on a "diet" my whole life - always wanting to look just a little bit better - it is so silly! I'm getting better about things, but still have body issues as must of us women unfortunately do. I agree with Chris - the word diet is just bad. Food needs to be about fuel and providing energy for our bodies. It's so easy to forget this simple fact.
Congratulations on the race! I would love to be able to run with my family! I totally understand the feeling, When the photos of my last half-marathon at Surf City came out, the first thing I noticed was that my butt looked big in running tights. This is the one part of my body that I have always struggled with and I am still learning to accept and embrace it. Working on it! :-)
How sweet to run with your family! Congrats!
And the word verification I need to type in is "joyyrun." That makes me smile!
Melissa - I feel so much better since ditching the scale. I've also ditched mirrors for the most part. I don't look at it as trying to escape, rather, it wasn't helping the situation, so why do it?
Laurie - SWEET! Sometimes word verification can be a good thing, I guess :-)
Thoughtful post!
I have a goal of 118 (@5'4"), but it is for these reasons:
I race my fastest
I reach it usually when I am consistent with my push-up/ planks at night
I am eating healthfully (not a diet/ not over eating)
I have PCOS and my body functions better/is more regular
and I won't lie I do like how I look
I do have some ED in my past and oddly (or not) I was at some of my highest weights at that point.
I'm only about 5 lbs from "my goal," but realistically I could measure my success more by the majority of that list above, than exactly what weight I'm at.
You're gorgeous regardless, inside and out :)
Katie,
I totally get what you're saying. To be honest, running so fast at the end of my race on Sunday totally gave me a REAL incentive to continue on this path that will eventually result in my body being at it's natural weight (and where I'm at now is definitely not!) - and that is that it is freakin' easier to run without the extra weight. I get that!
Thanks <3
Ducks!
Jill, my coach can help you with nutrition, but not with diets.
Congrats on your race! I seriously love this post because if it's one thing I've learned it's to enjoy the now - I remember being at my best weight, body banging so good - and I was still not happy and striving to lose more weight or whatever - I regret not taking the time to enjoy what I could do. Today, you're not catching me doing that. If I run a race I thank God that I was able to complete it no matter the time. I look around everyday and try to be thankful for family, living in a nice area with lots of races :-) and having the ability to move and breathe. Life's too short not to enjoy every second that you can ... because things can and will get worse - just like they can and will get better :-)
For the record - I do not think your face looks fat.
You are a remarkable women. Here you are coming off the loss of a loved one and you're still able to pull out this positive outlook on your life and body. Just saying.
I think I'll take the smiling face every time, and I think you are simply beautiful! No matter what any silly scale says!
Thank you, all ~ I loved each and every comment!
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