Friday, March 23, 2012

I'm Not Complaining...REALLY!

I swear you all...I'm not complaining...I'm just dumping revealing my heart. My womens group just finished our bible study on the book of James. We were asked to write a little something - our testimony if you will - on how James affected us. Here was mine. When I wrote it, a bit off the cuff before class, I thought it was a little humorous in parts, yet true at the same time. When I actually read it out loud at study, I broke into a heap of sweaty wet tears that the harder I tried to choke back, the messier I got.
Oh my.
So here goes.

Julie and James

Sitting at my desk today messing around on facebook to relieve my brain of any active use – two weeks behind on my study and realizing that it’s all quite a blur, I discovered that James is getting under my skin…has been under my skin for awhile now.

I feel confused by my choices. I want so badly to do right by all, yet I feel I’m half assing much. My heart is in the right place but my actions show disarray and confusion. I remember watching Judge Judy once and there was a woman, a mom, who was in court for one reason or another, but all I remember is that Judge Judy had a picture of the woman’s dirty stove top and Judy kept saying the woman must have no self respect, that she was a slob. She demanded the woman admit she was a slob. Judge Judy would hate me! I looked at my stove top this morning and it is much worse than the defendant’s.  I’ve failed yet again.

My house is dirty, my kids must forage for their own food, and my dog’s face is set on pi.ti.ful.

The daily choices I have made seemed to be wise ones. I attend my womens group to foster friendships and study my bible, I fund raise with my team to find a cure for cancer, I work out for my health, I shuttle kids to and from activity to activity so they will grow up well rounded and socialized, I take that pitiful dog for at least short walks so she doesn’t go insane, I help others find their strengths and highlight their physical abilities so they can lead better lives. It all feels right at its base, but it’s too much. It’s too much and it’s half assed and I don’t think that is what James (or Judge Judy) wants it to look like. The heart is there but the details must be checked.

I have 24 hours in my day and I go back and forth struggling between wanting to do it all and to help everyone and using up every single hour -VS- the thought that there has got to be a better way….a way where I don’t turn to my ipad or iphone or “i” anything to relieve the pressure, but to a place where there is free time to be…to just be…and to be available to others.

I think it MUST start by falling to my knees. I was reading in The Message that according to tradition, James’ nickname was “Old Camel Knees” because of thick calluses built up on his knees from many years of determined prayer…and prayer is always foundational to Wisdom, it says. Therefore, down to my knees I will fall each day, each hour, each second as needed until I figure this out.

I don’t know what James will ultimately teach me, but the change in ME from even a year ago to today is quite dramatic. Even if it’s still not quite showing on the outside of Julie, there is definitely a shift from Me to Him…or rather…to His people. It’s blossoming…or it will when this Spring snow stops…and I’m excited to see where it goes. My heart about bursts when I think of all there is to come. Bring it on, God, Bring it on! 

Ok, people, enough of me always talking about how busy life seems these days. Consider me working on it.

oh...and come back tomorrow when I'll let you know how the Biggest Loser Party goes tonight and whether or not my team won :D


Coy Martinez said...

Don't feel alone!! Every word you wrote reminded me of my life. Trying to prioritize and feel like I'm stumbling at every turn. My husband doesn't understand the stress in my voice when I worry over the counter tops being clean and making sure the kids teeth are brushed, etc. And the worst part is that I also feel guilty for not having finished the Hunger Games. I'm pathetic with a capital P.

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

I feel as though it is a victory to recongize/admit that we are to continually work towards a better balance. Maybe that isn't how I want to put it exactly. Maybe it is better said in that the victory is in your willingness to examine how you are living each day, using those hours you are given and searching for the answer to the question, "is this the "best" way I could be using them?"
I think you are one amazing "work in progress"! thanks for the doses of inspiration to review my own life!

Alma said...

Oh you are one of many, you are not alone. Remember that you need to vent/melt/blow off stress from time to time, it's the only way to keep going, so it's great you have this group of close people that you can share with. If you do feel like you need to find more balance, remember that it's ok to say no, cut back on things, because you have to take care of you. If not, you won't be able to take care of anyone else!

Mike said...

More prayer is good but leaving some time for you is also important. Also rest/sleep time for you should be one of the first priorities or all your other irons in the fire will suffer.

Julie said...

I think you are amazing!

Terzah said...

Everyone struggles with that "half-assed" feeling. I'm really glad you have Bible study to help you name it--but don't beat yourself up too much (it wasn't the Book of Job, right? :6) ). You're on the right path (or so it seems to this blog reader), so do not fear!

Michelle said...

So beautiful Julie! Thank you for sharing. You touched me deeply and made me realize so much in my own life. XOXOX

Anonymous said...

Oh boy don't we ALL DO AND FEEL LIKE THIS! Wow.. I never feel like I"m giving the time I need and when I do I feel like I'm doing too much. That balance act is so difficult. You are amazing! You are doing what you can when you can and each day we learn something new.. Hugs

XLMIC said...

Choices and priorities...we all struggle with this, don't we? Judge Judy would hate me, too, for what that's worth. I happen to think you're pretty awesome. You are what my husband calls "good people," Julie. And that is worth so very much :)